Well its that time of the year again when Santa going on the worlds largest break and enter spree. We don’t mind it because he leaves presents.
Now, Santa spends all year making a list. Then, he checks it twice. He want to find out who’s naughty and who is nice. Personally, I think the second one is less important than the first, but what ever dude. This is your party!
I also have made a list. I was going to check it twice but I have far more important things to do with my time (Porn).
So, who made my list and what did I decide to get them for Christmas?
Lets find out!
Benji Marshall – A KFC Voucher
No one actually goes inside a KFC, they all use the drive through. So he could go to KFC at all hours and no one would hassle him.
Wayne Bennett – A Personal Assistant
Because taking on the coaching role at the Newcastle Knights gave him the biggest coaching challenge out there. How is he supposed to coach the side AND carry his wallet?
Dennis Fitzgerald – Glen 20
He was voted out of his place at the Parramatta Eels and ever since then he has hung around like a bad smell. He needs to move on. Get a hobby or something!
Jason Ryles – A Ball Of String
What else would you get a big pussy?
George Riley – A Tounge Scraper
The BBC’s Rugby League blogger needs one of these with all the constant arse licking he does.
Josh Dugan – A 1991 Holden Commodore
He is the biggest bogan in the NRL and this has to be the car that is the top choice for all bogans. He could use it to drive to the doctor to get his boils lanced!
Craig Bellemy – A Sound Proof Booth
That way when he is watching the game Keiron Walters want have to put up with him yelling like an insufferable prick.
James Maloney – A 12 Month Coma
Just put him to sleep and when he wakes up again, he is a Sydney Rooster. That all he wants damn it!
Brad Fittler – Reigns
When he stopped being so guarded and spoke his mind, it was refreshing. His honesty about players and his own career was fantastic. Then, he just started to sound dumb. Really, really dumb. He needs to pull it back a bit.
Jamie Peacock – A Walking Frame
Aside from his speech impediment I’m told Peacock didn’t fit in all that well with his younger England team mates. Especially when he started handing out boiled candy and talking about the blitz.
Joel Monaghan – Shmackos
What, you think he taught a dog to blow him just by saying “good boy”?
Mitchell Pearce – A High Visibility Jacket
OK, OK, this is kinda for all our benefit. Thing is, when ever there is a big game to be played, he goes missing. At least this way we would be able to see where he is on the field when he is having no impact at all.
Danny Weidler – Lubricant And A Shoehorn
I figure he could use one when he is trying to get his head out of Anthony Mundines arse.
Jamie Soward – A Halfback
This poor young bloke plays on a team that loved to choke, and along side him is Ben Hornby who is the most useless fucking player in the competition. A complete passenger!
John Cartwright – A Glass Elevator
Ever since he received a Golden Ticket from the Gold Coast Titans to coach them until he is in his 80’s, he might as well just complete the whole puzzle.
Jarryd Hayne – The Holy Bible
That way he can read it and try and find the part where God asks you to have over a percentage of your income.
James Graham – Sunscreen
Fat Prince Harry will be playing for the Bulldogs this year and the pasty bastard is going to need a case of 50+ if he isn’t going to look like a dopey pommy lobster.
Todd Carney – A Billion Dollar Contract
It has a clause in it that says if he drinks alcohol I don’t have to pay him anything. My money is so safe…
Michael Maguire – A Halfback
Seen as South Sydney CEO Shane Richardson managed to allow one of the best young halfbacks in the game leave, and then came to the conclusion that a modern day Rugby League team doesn’t need a halfback, I thought I’d help out poor Michael out, who got off the plane from Wigan only to realize the 2012 season is fucked before it even started.
Chris Sandow – A Night In The High Rollers Room At The Casino In Sydney
The poor fucker was made out to be some type of gambling addict this year, all because he decided to take a very good offer from the Parramatta Eels that South Sydney refused to match. So I say we give him a big night at the Casino. He deserves it!
Mal Meninga – A Time Delay
Granted he is a Queenslander so he is already working a bit slower than the rest of us. Still, a time delay of say 24 hours between an idea that pops into his head and the moment he can actually put those thoughts into words would be pretty handy.
Sam Tomkins – Smoke Flares
He could shoot them into the sky just so we know he is on the field when he is playing against anyone higher than a semi professional level player.
David Williams – A Plank
Why? Well a plank spends less time laid out than Williams does.
David Gallop – An Electrified Dog Collar
No, no, its not for Dave himself. It is to whack around Phil Gould neck so that every time Gus goes to say something he can press a button and 50,000 volts will render Gus’ voice box unusable.
Phil Gould – Whiskey
Would you want to run a club that has a bastard like me watching over it? No, neither would I! Gus is going to need to sit back some nights and knock back a few drinks just to remember not to take things too seriously.
Cameron Smith – Laser Hair Removal
He’s the only person in the world that can make Robin Williams look up from a line of cocaine and say “Woooooow, that man is one hairy bastard!”. He wakes up on a morning, has a shave and is already sporting a 5 o’clock shadow by breakfast. So lets just sort this out for him once and for all. burn every single hair follicle on his entire body!
Sonny Bill Williams – A New Zealand Heavyweight Title Belt
Just hand one to him. Seriously, when was the last time a heavyweight title in New Zealand, Australia or in any country for that matter actually meant something worthwhile? Hell even the World Heavyweight Title doesn’t mean much these days. So here you go Sonny, you have your pretty little belt. It makes you special, really, really special…
Willie Mason – A Time Machine
Willie Mason is looking to come back to the NRL and leave a legacy. Oh, too late! Sure it is difficult when you are an athlete, you’re marching towards your mid 30’s, you’ve been irrelevant for a number of years and your reputation is mud. Still, the idea that being a fringe first grader on a team that’s obviously desperate will turn all that around is not well thought out. So, to reverse all the damage don’t to his career and reputation, fire up the Flux Capacitor!
On Twitter I asked my followers what they would get me for Christmas. Here are their replies:
dannymac7411 “a glorious meter coz yours is clearly fucked!”
Sherms_5 “So, what would you get The Glorious League Freak for Christmas?” I’ll chip in a few $$$ so you can get laid”
ms_meh “I’d give a good, long, intense…. oiling… for your joints..”
Bella55555 “A rubber blow up doll holding a football….!”
sexyand_iknowit “a bender flesh light”
Bondiborn “A temporary #unfollow from me? #peaceandgoodwill”
Amul82 “English flag printed toilet paper..”
parrasteve “a vagina”
TheChapo82 “a female miss league freak”
ChrisTweetsGood “A seat on the Independent Commission”
DibsXIII “Manners and spanners. Gob stoppers. Straight jacket. A brain (to sometimes engage before speaking) ;o)”
anna2533 “Flap curlers.”
KerryPerry1 “id buy you a robotic version of me… so you can do what you want but there is in “off” switch on my back for some peace”
KerryPerry1 “id buy you a Wayne Rooney calendar so every month you can see someone uglier than you and think “im fuckin hot””
KerryPerry1 “oooh and for your stocking fillers- invisible condoms (enough said), spy camera you can put anywhere and a willy warmer (XS)”
_REDnWHITE_Mojo “of course it would be foxtel sports package #neverWalkalone”
mattXIII “a terraced house in Salford.”
danbissett76 “A 2012 season ticket for Bradford Bulls on the steep open terraces”
Davros313 “An induction into the England RFL Hall of Fame!!!”