EXCLUSIVE: Inside The Secret Meeting Of Sydney Based Rugby League Journalists

The room is crowded, a sea of people all there with one purpose. One goal.

To be part of this meeting you have to be considered to be part of the Sydney based Rugby League media. That is a pretty easy thing to do by the way. I mean, have you seen this mob? The standards are not all that high!

The meeting starts off with Roy Masters taking the stand while clutching a beer. He talks about the Fibros and the Silvertails. An hour later he finishes up by telling everyone how turnips cost three shillings during World War 2. Then he falls asleep and the meeting is officially under way!

Erin Molan takes the stage for her official swearing in. Sure she is from Canberra but hey, she’s in the big leagues now! She needs to be one of us! So she goes through the ceremony that starts with you having to burn a Queensland jersey and ends with you having to get a tattoo with the words “Rats and Filth” on your arse..

Once that is out of the way the floor is open to any speaker that has a new way of beating down Queensland Rugby League.

Up to the microphone steps Andrew Webster. He says the we should focus on how Queensland are always picking up players that were born overseas. The room collectively nods their heads in agreement. Sensing he has the crowd on his side Webster also suggests that the Brisbane Broncos jersey remind him of Caramello Koalas. A decision is then made to send Dan Ginnane out to buy some Carelemmo Koalas because they are simply delicious!

Danny Weidler stands up and tells the room that he has some inside mail that the Sydney media may hold secret meetings to push their agenda against Queensland based teams. The room collectively face-palms and his microphone is turned off.

Phil Rothfield suggests that we need more talk about how Greg Inglis wasn’t born or raised in Queensland. He contends that this is a subject that does not get enough air time and it should be pushed at every opportunity. Dean Richie agree while speaking very quickly.

Paul Kent thinks everyone is this room is just a fucking idiot. This is made clear as people walk past and Kent calls them a fucking idiot one by one. To be fair, I think Paul has a point, until I walk past and he calls me a fucking idiot.

Brad Walter takes the stand and questions why Queensland has so many teams to begin with. A round of applause spreads around the room as Tony Squires flashes a cheesy grin and looks super pleased with himself.

Then we have Steve Mascord calling into the meeting via Skype. He is currently riding in a cart pulled by a donkey in some third world country following up a story about a local Rugby League club that has its goal posts stolen. Its hard to hear what he is saying with his “Best Of Whitesnake” music playing in the background.

Some bald bloke takes the stand and says we should go back to having a NSWRL competition. No one knows who he is. He tells the room that he is the Rugby League Week Mole. People start throwing fruit and vegetables at him saying he is not The Mole. In a quiet corner, The Game Plans “Late Mail Man” is pleased he handed out all those fruit and vegetables before the meeting started.

Rebecca Wilson stands up and tells the room she hates everything about everything. The general consensus is that, yeah, we got it!

James Hooper suggests “the Queenslanders” are just upset because our bloke won the election. Andrew Proszenko says that the Queenslanders brains have been fried by all of that sunshine. Josh Massoud throws in the fact that New South Wales hosts the Grand Final…and you get the general theme of the meeting.

Over the course of the meeting a plan is put in place to destabilize Rugby League in Queensland. It is put up for everyone to read on Ricky Stuarts overhead projector and the room collectively agrees to abide by the plans put in place. It is at that point that Brent Read asks if anyone in the room has anything else to add. This is my chance!

As I stand up the room is shocked. They look at my golden tooth, my golden crown, my angry eyes….and it is only then that I realize I’m in the wrong place.

After all, I’m not a fucking journalist!

Note: No journalists were harmed in the making of this story.

For Queenslanders: This is a joke. This didn’t really happen.

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One thought on “EXCLUSIVE: Inside The Secret Meeting Of Sydney Based Rugby League Journalists

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