League Freak Writes To Santa And Hopes He Hasn’t Been Too Naughty!

A Christmas, don’t you just love this time of year?

Its stinking hot, beach weather, thunderstorms rolls out of the west from over the Blue Mountains, you put up a Christmas tree and decorate your house. You go into debt buying presents, you send cards to people.

I have to say my favorite part is the Turkey. This year the League Freak has a 7 Kilogram Turkey to cook (Thats no joke, this thing is bigger than I am!) with all the trimmings of course!

At Christmas I like to be greedy. Kinda like every other day of the year. With this is mind, I sent a list of things I wanted to Santa and hoped he would get back to me on his great break and enter trip around the planet!

This is how my list read:

G’day Santa, its League Freak. No, next list, thats right, the naughty one.

Lets be honest, I’ve been a real bastard this year. I’ll happily admit as much. The problem is Santa that, I enjoy it and just can’t help myself at times.

Now if I had ADD like Willie Mason or was Bi Polar like Tim Smith, I know you’d take all that into account and give me a free pass. The difference is, I have the choice to be a nice person and I openly shun it.

All I’m asking for are a few things, you can get them on the way through I’m sure!

The Independent Commission To Be Running Before The 2010 Season Kicks Off
You know Santa, these pricks at the ARL are giving everyone the shits. I know you are not one for violence so I won’t ask you to hunt them all down. However, can you at least fill a few stockings with common sense this year?

We need this Santa. The ARL is the worst organization in the game next to Shane Richardson and his revolving door for his mates policy. By the way, would it be too much to get him some new teeth?

A New Penrith Coaching Staff And Management
You know why I’m an insufferable prick Santa? Its because I have to watch these idiots ruining the club I support every fucking year. Sorry about swearing by the way….see what it does to me?

This lot couldn’t run a brothel at a forced labor camp at a toy factory on the North Pole (Thats right Santa, I know your dirty secret!) let alone a football team.

If you could just get me a new coach that would be great. A proper coach though, no some half baked lower grade coach that hasn’t got a top gig for years at other clubs because everyone knows he is shit!

An Expansion Club In Perth
Santa, you know I’ve wanted this for a long time now. You gave me a great gift in 1999 when you killed the North Sydney Bears for me, I really appreciate that, but there are a bunch of arseholes trying to bring them back instead of Perth getting a team.

Look, Perth is a long way away but a lot of people live there. Also, Gosford is a hole!

A Threesome With Two Lesbians
I ask for this every year and you don’t come to the party on this one. I mean, dude, Lesbians….what more do I need to say?

For David Gallop To Just Shut The Fuck Up
I’m a fan of Gallops Santa, you know he is a good bloke, but what type of stupid CEO ever even hints at lowering the amount of money the company he leads is worth? When Gallop even hinted that the NRL would take less money for certain things in the next TV deal, I wanted to strangle him.

I’m not in the business of strangling people Santa, no matter what the NSW Courts say. So if you could just shut him up for a while that would be great.

I Want Rodney Walker To Do What He Does Best
Santa, you probably know I hate Wakefield. I went there once, you know what its like, it smells like a big shit.

Anyway they want a new stadium before they get kicked out of Super League. They are aiming high, a ground at least five times bigger than they really need (12,000 capacity!).

The whole thing is being pushed forward by Rodney Walker. You remember what he did to the 200 Rugby League World Cup Santa? It was the biggest financial disaster in the games recent history.

All I’m asking for Santa is that you let him do his thing. He’ll fuck it up, just watch it happen.

The Crusaders To Be A Success In Wrexham
You know I’m a great big, dirty expansionist Santa. I want to see as many new clubs playing this game as possible. The thing is, The Crusaders have been a basket case since day one and they need to sort it out this year or they will be no more.

Sure the club seems to be going step by step through the “PSG: How To Destroy An Expansion Market!” playbook, however if they could find their feet in Wrexham I think they will do alright.

A New Club For Paul Gallen
I don’t need to tell you Santa, you know that Paul Gallen is a complete and utter fucktard. That will never change, and now he wants to leave the Sharks because they refuse to support his Fucktard ways.

I just want him to go to a terrible, horrible club with no chance of any success for him over the next few years. And Santa…..I know you are thinking Penrith, but no!

A Shamwow
They last ten years Santa, not just a week! They sell themselves.

Also, they are made in Germany, you know the Germans make good stuff.

A Stomach The Size Of Keiron Cunninghams So I Can Eat This Turkey
The last thing I want Santa is the super human eating abilities and slow metastability of my favorite morbidly obese athlete, Keiron Cunningham.

I know you are fat, but this guy is huge. He’ is like…..remember the Two Fat Ladies? Imagine if they were conjoined twins, thats about the same mass as Cunningham.

Anyway he is an eating machine and I’m gonna need these sort of skills if I’m going to finish off 7 kilograms of Turkey.

So please Santa, if you can help me out with these things this year, I’d really appreciate it.

I even promise that in 2010 I’ll be a gentler, kinder League Freak.

Well, for a while anyway….

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