Andrew Ferguson – EXCLUSIVE! Jason Taumalolo: Tigers Prepare Mega Deal For North Queensland Powerhouse (Parody)

Jun 19, 2020 League Freak Featured Guest Writers, National Rugby League 0

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Struggling Wests Tigers are preparing a shock multi-million-dollar offer to sign North Queensland super forward Jason Taumalolo.

It is a deal that would stun Rugby League, nay world sport, possibly even all sport in the entire galaxy. Literally, the entire galaxy, including Kepler-452b.

I can exclusively reveal that the offer would span 12 seasons – possibly 15 – before Tamalolo would then help implement the merger between the major sporting organisations of Kepler-452b and the NRL, to make the game literally the biggest in the known universe, which in turn would make him become the first Universal Immortal, the only title befitting the amazing ability of the great man.

It is understood the Tigers has sought extra financial support from up to four countries to help pay for Taumalolo, although the club will deny this, not because this story is a fabrication and has no semblance of fact, but because by saying this, I have desperately and flimsily discredited them in a pathetic attempt to try and give this story some legitimacy despite it having zero.

Those sponsors would be prepared to inject a combined total of, lets just pull a lofty figure out of nowhere shall we, say, $37 trillion, outside of their sponsorship agreements – to sign Taumalolo, who would earn between $37 trillion and $37.000000000000000000000000000001 trillion a season.

Rival clubs are aware of the Tigers interest in Tamalolo but as usual laugh it off because the Tigers never sign great players at their peak, yet are linked to all of them. Rival clubs won’t be surprised if the Tigers end up giving all of that money to Aaron Woods instead.

The Tigers board meets next week.

Sources have told me that Taumalolo and the Wests Tigers have directly spoken twice but the club has denied this, refer to the fourth paragraph as to why.

Well-placed sources, generally wearing cheap camo clothing and hiding in nearby shrubberies, also say senior Tigers officials are heavily involved in the push for Taumalolo.

There is no suggestion an offer has been made, although the clickbait title feebly alludes to that happening, or that Taumalolo wants to leave North Queensland. But interest is there from Wests Tigers, because of course it is, Taumalolo is the world’s best forward, every club wants him, even the dumb ones know he’s the best. So linking the best forward with any club automatically creates plausibility despite there being no conversation between the player, the club or this columnist.

Taumalolo could be one of 132 candidates the club would sound out, a statement made in a desperate plea to play down the exclusive and to offer alternate options, so that if this deal doesn’t go through, which is highly likely, I have covered my own backside with this line so that I can look like I’m in the know despite making up this rumour late one night out of boredom.

One prominent Sydney club heard yesterday that Wests Tigers were looking at James Tedesco as future club captain when he comes off contract but that would appear highly unlikely, don’t know why, but by not committing fully to this rumour, I have left the door open to claim I predicted it if by some weird miracle it does.

While no formal decision has been reached by Wests Tiger’s inanimate board, the odds are lengthening that current Test forward Russell Packer, who is off contract after this season, would be re-signed. This is yet another attempt to cover all bases and make it impossible for this column to be completely wrong. Masterful. By me, not the club.

With an appetite for change, Tigers officials have noted, not stated, or said, Taumalolo’s undoubted credentials including his on and off field success, undeniable reputation, immense pulling power and successful career.

Taumalolo remains signed with the Cowboys for what seems like an eternity, but the club would not prevent an early release, or maybe they would, it depends I guess on circumstances, but either way, I’ll be right.

Those close to Taumalolo, 27, suggest, the thesaurus is getting a hiding now, he may be searching for a new challenge, or he may not be, especially if his loyal team mate Gavin Cooper, decides to retire after this season.

A failure to attract high-profile players in recent years has frustrated the Tigers. While the Tigers often play with their traditional erratic inconsistency, fans continue to lament a weak pack.

Wests Tigers are well aware Taumalolo would seek a massive financial contract, but they are desperate, having not won a Premiership since 2005 and have missed the finals for the past decade.

Should Taumalolo switch clubs, Wests Tigers would instantly become an attractive location for any player coming off contract. The Tiger’s 1891562111230218 influential football club members are craving a big scalp.

Townsville hairdressers believe Taumalolo always felt he may possibly, maybe, dunno, end up playing in Kepler-452b, but that possibility has now ended with Jarrod Mullen having signed there until the end of 2025.

It is unanimously accepted that Packer is playing alongside an inferior roster – an issue which may frighten any prospective big name player.

Should Taumalolo sign with the Tigers, many baristas feel that Cowboys winger Kyle Feldt may join him. Dunno why, but let’s run with it. Remember, I did say ‘may’.

Taumalolo has played at the Cowboys since 2010, his winning success rate sitting at an impressive 53.8%.

In 2016 he was named as the best player in the NRL.

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• Andrew Ferguson, Funny, Jason Taumalolo, Journalism

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