League Freaks Super League Grand Final Preview

And so we have made it, yes, that time of the year again when the fans of two Super League clubs put so much importance in a game which, more often than not, they have both won and lost in recent seasons.

I tipped a St Helens vs Leeds Grand Final before the season kicked off. I don’t say that in any triumphant way though, if you didn’t pick these two clubs to get here you are simply an idiot!

In this preview I’m not going to detail players, look at attacking strengths and weaknesses or anything like that. In Super League the fact is terrible mistakes, panicked play, refereeing blunders and schoolboy errors decides games.

It would be like Gordon Ramsey giving his opinion on a meat pie at a petrol station!

I can talk about other things though…

Like the fact that Keith Senior has put his hand up for England again after being another of these dickheads that announced their retirement. It seems Senior now feels he can contribute to England again.

I always find it sickening these players who announce their retirements. Do everyone a favour, just stop playing. You really are not that important. You leave, someone takes your place, you find yourself talking about how you used to play Rugby…..and that is the problem I think.

Players like Keith Senior find they need that attention. You think him wanting to play for England is about England?

One thing I always love about the Super League Grand Final is the commentators and how they make me want to pull my hair out and kick my dog.

When they are not lauding over these glorified park footballers, telling us about how good they supposedly are, they are going to expert commentators like Shaun McRae or Robbie Paul.

Is there anyone in the world you would rather not hear speak than Robbie Paul? A Kiwi so average he couldn’t get a run for the Warriors, he couldn’t get a run in Australia when we had 20 teams, and he had to go over to England to find a club so horrible that they would take him and his brother?

As for McRae, expert commentator? Apart from his appearance, which should be preceded by a health warning for viewers, his views on the match are always wrong and worst of all, he always tries to qualify his comments by mentioning Australian Rugby League.

You know, where he couldn’t get a job for ten years before having his mate Shane Richardson throw him one! Even then he managed to get fired!

Then we have Sean Long who, going by the excerpts from his book, is a really great bloke. I wish I knew who his money was on for this Grand Final, you’d just launch your life saving into it, with 888.com of course!

The Old National Rugby League Players
I always love these Grand Finals from England because you get to see old NRL players you thought were dead.

The big pussy cat Tony Puletua, who’s brother outlasted him at Penrith. He was done and dusted in 2004 but you know this year in Super League he scored 4 tries in one game, playing at prop!

Chris Flannery is still alive as are Francis Meli, Matthew Gidley and Jason Cayless who has burnt some of the best years of his career playing for St Helens.

Over at Leeds, Danny Buderus is playing in a team thats worse than Newcastle was under his captaincy, but yet are in the Grand Final, Ali Lauitiiti is the size of a house and yet is still effective in this competition, Scott Donald keeps scoring easy tries against no opposition, Kylie Leuluai has found there is life outside of the NSW Cup and Brent Webb, the Aussie Kiwi, is older, slower, fatter and still considered a top player in Super League.

Then you have the Poms themselves.

St Helens
If you don’t like the game itself, just spend 80 minutes looking at the size of Keiron Cunninghams massive tits. Seriously, they are epic!

Sean Long can’t close one eye but you won’t notice that because of his jaggeder teeth and poofy hairstyle.

Paul Wellens is the one you will probably think is the goal posts at some point. He moves about as fast as one! You’ll see him in the background of Leeds tries, out of position, off the pace and out of his depth, even at this level.

Leon Pryce, who has managed to go whole months this season without being in trouble with the law, will be one to watch. He is the winger they have playing at five-eighth at Saints. Completely unremarkable.

My favorite Saints player is probably the big ranga, James Graham. That big bastard does his best, I’d actually like to see how he would go in the NRL. Not great at all, but you have to love a ranga!

Jon Wilkin is the one that looks like he has a bad spray tan and would go and get a pedicure on his days off. He probably picks up Sean Long on his way to the hair dresser.

At the end of the day this is the remains of a St Helens side that’s done its dash. The club has done well to re-tool here and there, but they are old and have no new ideas any more.

Leeds Rhinos
You can’t go past their captain in Kevin Sinfield. He looks like one of those road signs….you know…these ones:

You take the car off the sign and I’m sure you’ll find Sinfields forehead has the same inclined slope you see there.

You can’t watch Leeds without being amazing at first, swearing for a moment that you just saw a Leprechaun. Relax, that’s just Rob Burrow, their halfback. The commentators will talk him up, but you’ll soon realize he just gets the ball, runs 30 meters across field and throws a bad pass. Thats his game.

Out wide the balding 30 something is Keith Senior. You’ll be able to purchase his boots, socks, winners/losers medal and anything else he can carry out the ground off his Ebay page about 48 hours after the game.

Jamie Jones-Buchanan is easy to spot. Imagine if a guy walked to his local petrol station, took the high pressured air hose used to pump up car tires, stuck it in his mouth and let lose with a blast. That bulbous head must be difficult to keep upright!

Ryan Baily will stand out. He’s the one trying to punch people in every tackle. You’ll see early on, he can’t play for shit, but at least he, well, he doesn’t really do anything all that good, but he’s trying at least.

Leeds have Danny McGuire which is like a slightly upgraded version of Iestyn Harris. You know, teenage star who still plays like he’s 16, except now he’s about 27 years old and his game hasn’t progressed.

You also have Lee Smith who is a winger/fullback that is completely unremarkable but felt important enough to switch to Rugby Union after this game. Thankfully for England, he has said he will put his hand up to play in the Four Nations, and bring his shit awful game to the international stage.

Outside of that there is no one you really need to know.

The Coaches
Do you remember that park football coach from Auckland that just happened to be there when New Zealand won the Tri Series a few years ago? That stupid bald Kiwi bloke with the big mouth who ditched New Zealand a few years back?

Well he coaches Leeds.

The bloke that coaches St Helens is a former St George boy called Mick Potter. He used to coach the Catalan Dragons and did well with them. Saints bought him to replace Daniel Anderson and Saints fans are not happy about his style of coaching.

He does the best his can with what he’s got to work with though.

My Tip
Well its been a completely boring and unremarkable season, 99% of which I went out of my way to avoid.

St Helens look like an old side, Leeds look like they are basking in the glow of being below average in a completely terrible competition.

I think the Man of the Match will be Keiron Cunningham. His massive tits and the sheer mass of his guts will sway the judges.

As for the winner, I think Leeds will win, but I wish somehow they both could loose. My Tip: Leeds by 16

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